Titties, Etc. - Eric Shaffer

CRUEL AMERICA & THE PERFECT VAGINA

she seemed happiest
on that hill
casting lollipop sticks at
the plastic & polished whitewashed
teeth people…
kicking sour pickles at their
sunlamp tans
and their bleached white rectums.
mocking their copious breasts
with three inch nipples
and when they passed in
their extra large vehicles with
their extra small cargo in tow
lipsticks and wallets
she mocked them with knapsacks
bigger than hammocks-
She seemed happiest when she
wasn't thinking of her happiness
or her yellow bean teeth, even
the double long stretch of her labia minora
or that mysterious darkening around her
hair tickled asshole
she hated her perm, it was wrong and tight
her breasts were long
whenever she'd bend over
her pants would rise
her socks would show
she loved baseball and jeopardy
and when the pageants came on
she screamed thru the TV
"something inside you is sick
and obscene…i'll never forgive you!"

her name was elaine

Andrew Boerum

 

A 2006 study called "Did the Brazilian Kill the Pubic Louse?" --written by NR Armstrong and JD Wilson of Leeds General Infirmary--wonders at the sudden rarity of pubic lice in the UK and elsewhere. Published in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections, the study suggests a possible cause. Dutch naturalist Kees Moeliker started a campaign to collect and preserve some specimens for the Rotterdam Natural History Museum, of which he is a curator. "When the bamboo forests that the giant panda lives in were cut down, the bear became threatened with extinction." Moeliker will take part in the Ig Nobel Tour for National Science and Engineering Week (March 6-16). If you have a specimen of Phthiris pubis you'd like to donate to science, or know someone who has, please bring them to one of the events.

--Marc Abrahams, in The Guardian, Tuesday March 4, 2008

THE BRAZILIAN

Girls, though you are tough or tender,
Whether borrower or lender,
Rank offender, bland defender,
Starter, middler, or ender,
Chose a big or little spender,
Drink it straight or from a blender,
Clean and sober, on a bender,
Free or trussed in a suspender,
In firm control or fond surrender,
Are fat, or medium, or slender,
Smooth the groove of your pudenda.
Burma Shave.

Marcus Bales

 

LINDA

I parked my car a block away from her house. the air conditioning starved for a break in this heat wave that was lingering around like a bunch of fucking Islamic refugees. a dog growled in a backyard somewhere as I put the emergency brake on and climbed out into the humid air.
   her light was on at the top of the stairs. the music was playing distorted guitar riffs at full volume. I rang the bell a number of times but she didn't hear it or it wasn't working, I couldn't tell exactly. the door opened and I walked in, climbed the 20 or so steps and called out her name, 'Linda, are you there?' it took a minute or two before she appeared out of the darkness of her living room smiling, wearing a see-through white negligee. her underwear was missing.
    I sat on the sofa as she got me a drink. her English accent caused my cock to throb incessantly as our conversation cut through me like a steak knife. the smell of incense masked the odor of cat piss behind me. her cheap fragrance was as comfortable as her missing eyeliner and lipstick, no mascara or any tampons that I could see.
    she asked if I liked porn movies and I sheepishly said, 'sure, doesn't every guy?' she laughed at me and got up to put the porn tape in the video player. as she bent over, I saw her delicious openings smiling at me like Mother Mary. then the video tape jammed and she asked for my help and in doing so, the music continued to play and somebody's dog continued to bark as my cock hit some very high notes.

Darryl Salach

 

CUNT COUNTING

How many cunts
Could a good count count
If a good count could count cunts?

Jesus Crisis