BIRDS DO IT, BEES DO IT, EVEN BANANA SLUGS DO IT
Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation
By Olivia Judson
Metropolitan, 272 pages, $24

"Dear Dr. Tatiana,

"I'm a European praying mantis, and I've noticed I enjoy sex more if I bite my lovers' heads off first. It's because when I decapitate them, they go into the most thrilling spasms. Somehow they seem less inhibited, more urgent - it's fabulous. Do you find this too?

"I Like 'Em Headless in Lisbon"

Dr. Tatiana advises: "Males of your species are boring lovers. Beheading them works wonders." One supposes it is just an example of a selfish lover who believes in taking and not reciprocating head.

Olivia Judson is British by birth, a Stanford-educated evolutionary biologist by choice, who poses as Dr. Tatiana, a Doctor Ruth type "sexpert" who directs advice to all creatures, great and small. That is all creatures that take the time to write her looking for answers. Dr. Tatiana is not a moralist, what consenting adults do behind the closed door of their lair is their business. While viagra might cure many human ills, in the animal world there are whole separate categories of problems. You thought you had problems in the sack? Consider this:

Or the plight of the banana slug:

"In several banana slug species, individuals may get only one shot at being male, whatever their sperm count. Banana slug penises are gigantic and complex." So what's the down side? Read on: "During sex, the penis often gets stuck. At the end of sex, therefore, the slug or its partner gnaws off the offending phallus. It never grows back: from that point on, the slug plays only the female role." Yikes!

Here's a fact that can help divert attention from your roaming eyes. "True monogamy is rare," writes Dr. Tatiana's. "So rare that it is one of the most deviant behaviors in biology." If you are monogamous, count yourself in that number among the sea horse, the black vulture, the California mouse, some termites and a wingless cockroach.

Dr. Tatiana provides observations on pleasure, rape, incest, self-fertilization and homosexuality in the animal kingdom. Among those creatures that don't discriminate by gender in their choice of partner are bonobos (pygmy chimps), razorbills, dolphins and small penguins that live in Antarctica.

Is there a lesson to be learned here? How about some tolerance, as Dr. Tatiana concludes: "Beyond the basic fact that males make sperm and females make eggs, there are no rules, not even in what appear to be the most stereotypical gender-related areas."

- John Stickney

You're an Animal, Viskovitz!
By Alessandro Boffa
Translated from the Italian by John Casey
Alfred A. Knopf

A praying mantis named Viskovitz asks its mother, "What was daddy like?"

She replies in mouthwatering detail,"Crunchy, a bit salty, rich in fiber."

A dormouse named Viskovitz, waking from his too short hibernation, observes, "There is nothing more boring than life."

Viskovitz the scorpion explains why he prefers to roam the desert alone, "I really wasn't made for social life."

The microbe Viskovitz is quickly reproducing, too quickly, leading to an unusual identity crisis. "I barely had time to grow fond of my name when I became VISKO and VITZ. Imagine what it was like when I turned into four: VI, SKO, VI, TZ."

In these twenty tales, Alessandro Boffa, Russian born and trained as a biologist, has produced clever, biological parables that echo Ovid's "Metamorphosis". Lead character Viskovitz is in turn a penguin, dormouse, snail, mantis, finch, elk, dung beetle, swine, chameleon, earthworm, bee, police dog and more. Viskovitz is not alone, he is accompanied transformation by transformation by his goofy buddies Petrovic and Zucotic, his faithful mate the plain Jana, and the object of his lust, the fickle beauty Ljuba. While they are animals, given to claws and tails and slime, they are given to many of the same urges we find among ourselves - to survive, to prosper and to find "someone you like and exchange some DNA".

Some evolve far enough to contemplate the larger issues, like Viskovitz the self-aware laboratory rodent, who knows that there is more to life. "The big questions continued to torture me. The whole universe seemed nothing but a series of mazes that led to other mazes: plumbing, hallways, canals, streets. How far would I have to travel before I find a way out?" He escapes the big questions, settling for a life of caged reproductive lust with the beautiful but dumb Ljuba. There's Viskovitz the dung beetle, who becomes the Tony Soprano of dung, through his organization he "controlled acres of the savanna and had exclusive contracts with many herds."

Most of these creatures are after that one thing, the DNA exchange. Even this basic desire is not with out problems. Viskovitz the snail is in a life long race to meet his perfect mate, a mirrored reflection of himself. Thank goodness he's a hermaphrodite. Viskovitz the lord of the elks, is too busy fighting off rivals, wolves and other predators to get a chance to sleep much less mate. Viskovitz the lion falls in forbidden love with a gazelle.

And what of our anti-social friend Viskovitz the scorpion? Ah, there's our happy ending. He finds his mate, Ljuba, she scuttled down the dune "as silent as a mirage, slithering like a kootch dancer. Swinging her tarsi and flexing her chitonous plates like a queen of the desert…" It was love at first sight, they settled down, had a family, and everything seems to be right. "…life went on peacefully. The babies went on growing up healthy, slaughtering their schoolmates. Lubja and I went on adoring each other massacring the next-door neighbors. Everything went on in perfect harmony, and there was no way to escape this intolerable, sinister happiness. "

- John Stickney


The Cole Porter Song:

"Let's do it, let's fall in love"

Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

In Spain the best upper sets do it
Lithuanians and Letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
Not to mention the Finns
Folks in Siam do it
Think of Siamese twins

Some Argentines, without means do it
People say in Boston even beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Romantic sponges they say do it
Oysters down in Oyster Bay do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels, I might add, do it
Though it shocks 'em I know
Why ask if shad do it
Waiter, bring me shadroe

In shallow shoals, English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

- Cole Porter

LIFE TURNS MAN UP AND DOWN:
HIGH LIFE, USEFUL ADVICE, AND MAD ENGLISH: AFRICAN MARKET LITERATURE
Selected and Introduced by Kurt Thometz
Pantheon Books, 356 pgs

"It is one of the greatest mistakes to marry a wrong somebody."

"Marriage is a good thing. It sweets at the beginning and sometimes bitters as times goes on."

"When you befriend a woman she will tell you that many handsome men had applied and promised her a sewing machine, Iron beds, gold and to take over all her responsibilities."

Know what you're thinking - wrong somebody? bitters? sewing machine? - just when did Doctor Laura have that stroke? Look closely, it's not the Doctor, there's too much sense and not enough do-as-I-say-not-as-I-did rant. These aphorisms are from "No Condition is Permanent" by Okenwa Olisah (a.k.a. "Your Popular Author, The Strong Man of the Pen" and "Master of the Universe."). Olisha is one of the authors featured, along with Speedy Eric and C.N.O. Moneyhard among others, in this collection of facsimile reproductions of 18 pamphlets drawn from mid 20th Century African market literature. Written to sell at the open-air markets in the Nigerian town of Onitsha, rendered in a style and language characterized as "Mad" or "Young English," these pamphlets have a natural surrealism about them. They contain advice, admonishments and instructions on how to go about living a good and virtuous life. Illustrated with photos and drawings, flavored with eclectic spellings, sayings and dislocated language the pamphlets were products directed at consumers who needed guidance. Their audience included those newly departed from their village, arriving in the bright lights of the big city and transitioning from a village economy to an emerging capitalism. As anyone who has ever walked into the Paris Arts Theatre can tell you, the big city has all kinds of temptations you rarely encounter down on the farm.

"This booklet is intended to help the readers who have been asking me to give them advice in order to be free from some troubles of this world. Since people can not tell the truth and since Money, lack of sense, enemies and bad friends kill a man it is wise to know how to live and know yourself.If you want to get money and know how to save it, buy a copy of this book." From No Money, Much Expenses, Enemies and Bad Friends Kill A Man (The Way to Avoid Poverty) by R. Okonkwo.

It is not all self-help and real life, as the author warns us in the introduction of Rosemary and the Taxi Drive. "All character in this novel, are all round imaginary. Note, none is real. It is no true story and therefore concerns nobody in anyway. Whoever hits his head at the ceiling does it at his own personal fatal risk." This romance novel features the dazzling beauty of Rosemary - "If there were a prize to be awarded for falling in love at first blush, Rosemary should be given the richest golden medal." - and Okoro, the taxi driver - who "fell a heavenly victim to many sophisticated things of his expectation. And "had committed many 'Why saints come' crimes of life, with unprecedented suave stratagems." So intense is the attraction that at one point their dance "became a full automobile of spit fire."

Here's a warning story written in the style of True Confessions - MABEL THE SWEET HONEY THAT POURED AWAY. The cover features a Jane Russell type pin-up pose, beneath which reads - "Her Skin would make blood flow in the wrong direction. She was so sweet and sexy, knew how to romance. She married at sixteen. But she wanted more fun. Yet it ended at sixteen, And what an-end? SO THRILLING." As you can imagine, it is not a good end for Mabel.

"This pamphlet is the best pamphlet so far written." one author claims. A tough claim, they all seem like the best written so far. The pamphlets will tell you to avoid Harlots (HOW TO AVOID CORNER CORNER LOVE AND WIN GOOD LOVE FROM GIRLS) and will instruct you on the proper method of courting (HOW TO WRITE FAMOUS LOVE LETTERS, LOVE STORIES, AND MAKE FRIEND WITH GIRLS). Some history is thrown in - there's one on Hitler and another on JFK, and there's even an Argosy style adventure story, the Cowboy style western set in Africa - ADVENTURES OF FOUR STAR. The last is written by an author who confides - "Being a guy of repute, I am inclined to believe that once a guy, always a guy."

If you are going to the city, you have to know about money, its habits and its nature. "Money is not a trustworthy thing, it is a devil and acts like a harlot you keep in your house. She could move away at a sudden time and lodge again at your neighbor's house."

If there is a main lesson to be learned - and there are numerous lessons in LIFE TURNS MAN UP AND DOWN - it is probably wherever you find yourself in this life, just remember, "No condition is permanent, in the world but fools do not know. A person could eat on the plate in the afternoon and eat on the ground in the evening. A person could also eat on the ground in the afternoon and eat on the dish in the evening. Things could become bad for you for six years and become easy in the seventh year. One could also cry in the morning and rejoice in the afternoon, because things are not what they seem, and life you see, is nothing but an empty dream." (From "NO CONDITION IS PERMANENT. ")

- John Stickney


All poems copyright 2004 by the authors. Zine designed by Kathy Walker.